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Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. Each generation is more and more accepting of different people, and that's great. But one group still lags pretty far behind: And to confuse people even more, my wife is full-sized and so are my kids. I'm the only one who gets the "sitting on phone books" joke, which would be fine if that gag weren't more tired than Sleeping Beauty.
There are way too many misconceptions about what life is like when you're small, and since you can't go ask Alice because she sold out and turned 10 feet tall, I'm here to educate instead. On paper, the Midget man penis that we dwarfs have got teeny-weeny weenies makes sense.
After all, every other part of us is tiny. But no, we're as stacked as any of you, and in some lucky cases, even more so. See, my form of dwarfism is called achondroplasia the most common type, actuallyand it involves a lot of the cartilage in my body failing to do what the Good Lord intended it to do -- become bone.
So my kind and I wind up with short arms, short legs, stubby fingers and toes, and a fun-size version of anything
Midget man penis that contains actual bone. This is also why dwarfs typically have a pot belly, no matter how much our CrossFit trainer screams at us.
Our ribs simply can't hold our lungs Midget man penis whatever else Dr. House says is in there, so everything just spills out.
Boners, funnily enough, contain no bone. A penis is simply a bunch of tissue, and a dwarf's body has no problem growing tissue.
This results in a dick that, quite frankly, looks just like any other. Our average size is five to six inches, just like taller guys. Only difference is, ours are on small frames and thus look way more impressive.
Plus, the surprise when somebody sees it for the first time without knowing what to expect never gets old. Just ask my wife, past girlfriends, or the poor NSA intern who's no doubt watched me undress by now. God did his best to make amends:
Midget man penis, have an optical illusion that makes dick look giant. People are dwarf illiterate. That's the only way to explain why so many people, even those in minority demographics who really ought to know better, just assume everybody of dwarf size is the same damn dwarf.
Race, body type, fucking gender -- it matters not. If you've seen one dwarf, you've seen
Midget man penis name a famous dwarf, chances are I've been mistaken for them. Wee Man from Jackass? Absolutely even though he's Latino and I'm blindingly, devastatingly white. Some random midget wrestler the WWF exploited back in the '80s?
Anybody from Little People, Big World? Camera tricks and simple editing just make it seem like an entire family. Lucasfilm I'm playing both R2 and Wicket in this scene. My day job is at a casino. Some guy came up to Midget man penis and asked me why I wasn't working in my usual department. I was confused, since I do only one job dealing cards and that doesn't exactly require a department.
I told him that, and he just kept insisting, "No, no, I see you working there all the time. With long, blonde, wavy hair. I, on the other hand, am decidedly dude-ish, with short dude-ish hair. We look not one bit alike, except for the fact that both of us are short enough to get kicked off a roller coaster.
But despite Yoda making it perfectly clear that size matters not, it clearly matters bunches to oblivious jerks. What do Midget man penis mean you're not Midget man penis People see Little People, Big World and they just assume that small people beget other small people. And if by some miracle a full-sized kid comes out of the deal, then you've got yourself a wacky sitcom in the making. then they meet someone like me, an actual dwarf with an actual family.
My parents, my siblings, my aunts and uncles, Midget man penis 16th cousin nine times removed -- all full-sized.
I am the one and only dwarf in my family. And we're not sideshow anomalies -- a lot of families have one or two dwarfs while everybody else towers over them and taunts them with delicious pizza that they cannot reach.
Once again, chalk this phenomenon up to simple science. Dwarfism isn't a disease, a side effect of inbreeding, a result of corrupted DNA, or a voodoo curse -- it's just a genetic mutation called skeletal dysplasia. While technically this is a hereditary condition, it's also very recessive at Midget man penis, one baby out of every 4, draws the short straw and thus highly unlikely to rear its tiny head very often.
In other words, the likelihood of an entire family co-holding the World Limbo Championship is pretty damn slim. If you had to guess the most respectable media representation of dwarfism, you'd probably nominate Peter Dinklage. Tyrion is an unquestionable badass who can stand maybe not nose-to-nose but definitely toe-to-toe with Midget man penis of the other members of House White Guy With a Beard.
But here's the problem with Tyrion: He's been given shit about it his whole life, derided by so many as simply "the dwarf," or "imp," or other insult about his size. It's the constant reminder of his dwarfism that's bothersome. We don't want to be reminded that we're small all the time. We just want to be people, looked at on the same level as everybody else. And you know who gets that more than any other progressive or serious property?
Yep, Johnny Knoxville's magnum opus is what I point to when people ask about models for dwarf tolerance.
Sure, maybe they're running around in diapers or belly-flopping Midget man penis alligators or doing some other stupid shit -- but they treat Wee Man as an equal. He's one of them. He has to do embarrassing stuff, but so does everyone else. He may have a dumb nickname, Midget man penis he's not their little mascot, out there killing himself while Knoxville and Steve-O sit back and sip beer and laugh at the poor people.
He's a jackass through and through -- he just happens to come in a different size and is a legit pro skater that can do things Midget man penis a plank with wheels that most people can't even stand on regardless of height. Then there are the dwarf wrestlers. Not the WWF, mind you, where dwarfs are called midgets not the kindest word on Earthdress like leprechauns, and basically demean themselves instead of wrestling.
In the past, they'd even get spanked by the ref at because short people are actually babies. But go to Mexico and dwarf wrestlers are treated very well. Known Midget man penis Mini-Estrellathese are legitimate athletes who are presented seriously well, as seriously as any pro wrestler could hope for Midget man penis, even successfully competing with larger Midget man penis in legitimate scripted exhibitions.
OK, so it's not the Olympics, but at least nobody's getting spanked. Something big is in the works regarding dwarfism, and it's straight out of an X-Men film. Sadly, Midget man penis, it's the crappy
Midget man penis one.
You know, the one where they try to eradicate mutant powers and any remaining cool factor Wolverine may have had. There's now a push to develop a "cure" for dwarfism that could help any pre-pubescent dwarf grow normally, at least until they reach puberty.
Yet one more way for puberty to screw us all! I'm kind of for it. Not because I'm a self-loathing turd, or because lack of height is such a hindrance -- thanks to technology and human ingenuity, just about every facet of work and life can be successfully performed by little people nowadays.
No, it's because of health. Dwarfism might not be a disease, but it's not
Midget man penis a dream come true. Dwarfs' lives are often racked with health issuessuch as sleep apnea and obesity, but mostly bone and joint issues.
At 8 years old, I developed bone spurs in my right knee. When I was 16, my legs started bowing out even more than they already did, and if they hadn't stopped on their own, doctors would have had to surgically realign them.
This would have meant cutting my leg bones and pinning them straight, a procedure a lot of dwarfs need Like I said, if two dwarfs mate, there's still a good chance their child will be normal-sized. But if it's not, and two dwarfs create another dwarf, that could lead to double-dominant syndrome. A child born with this condition will be extremely small. It's a miracle if a child with DDS survives more than a couple months.
So, I say bring on gene therapy. It's not about race, sexual thought, or bone claws -- it's about saving and extending the future. A where as many children as possible grow up healthy and have a fair shake at remaining so sounds pretty damn good to me. And if that means my generation is one of the last to experience the joys of endless Lucky Charms jokes, then so be it.
Jason Iannone edits articles, lays them out, interviews people, and writes columns. Loudly complain about a minor typo he made in via Facebook and Twitter. Have a
Midget man penis to share with Cracked? How Bad Behavior Built Civilizationa celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization Midget man penis seemingly bad decision at a time.
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